I travel down the dusty road, driving cautiously. Another year. I’m doing this again. I’m taking part in The Gauntlet (45.1 MB), where every teenager in the county is standing by the side of this road, a road that had an impressive 360-day stretch of total silence, each teenager armed with a vinyl sign in one hand and Snapchat in the other, all trying to coax us into one of two fiercely competing fireworks stands. I pull into a gravel lot, past some wheezy bouncy houses, step out of the car, walk inside the store, grab a yellow basket, and get to work. I’m not here for fun, Jack. No way. I’m here for work. It’s my job — no, it’s my thrill — to find the weirdest, awkwardest, worst, clip-artiest, mis-translatediest, shoots-flaming-ballsiest fireworks packaging.
Welcome back, my friends. Happy 4th of July.
Let’s get started.
This year, we had a beautiful smorgasbord, featuring:
Pink Floyd’s Dream Nearly Realized
An Extraordinarily Sad Elvis Presley
Uncomfortable Sexism / Racism / Alcoholism
Eric Wareheim out of Tim and Eric
Every Kid’s Favorite Thing: Palace Intrigue
Super Steroidal Uncle Sams
A Video Game I Want Badly
Copyright Infringement (They Tried To Hide The Hat With Stickers)
Every Kid’s Favorite Thing: Horseshoe Crabs
A Literal Train Wreck
One of My Favorite YouTube Videos
The Best Typo (I Hope)
The Best Movie Sequel Never Made
And, Finally, Most Importantly, This Guy
Yes. Yes. See you next year!