Yay! 4th of July Fireworks: 2014

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I travel down the dusty road, driving cautiously. Another year. I’m doing this again. I’m taking part in The Gauntlet (45.1 MB), where every teenager in the county is standing by the side of this road, a road that had an impressive 360-day stretch of total silence, each teenager armed with a vinyl sign in one hand and Snapchat in the other, all trying to coax us into one of two fiercely competing fireworks stands. I pull into a gravel lot, past some wheezy bouncy houses, step out of the car, walk inside the store, grab a yellow basket, and get to work. I’m not here for fun, Jack. No way. I’m here for work. It’s my job — no, it’s my thrill — to find the weirdest, awkwardest, worst, clip-artiest, mis-translatediest, shoots-flaming-ballsiest fireworks packaging.

Welcome back, my friends. Happy 4th of July.

To relive some of the glorious photos from my past trips, please enjoy 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010, 20112012, and finally, 2013.

Let’s get started.

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This year, we had a beautiful smorgasbord, featuring:

Pink Floyd’s Dream Nearly Realized

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An Extraordinarily Sad Elvis Presley

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Uncomfortable Sexism / Racism / Alcoholism

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Eric Wareheim out of Tim and Eric

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Every Kid’s Favorite Thing: Palace Intrigue

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Super Steroidal Uncle Sams

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A Video Game I Want Badly

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Copyright Infringement (They Tried To Hide The Hat With Stickers)

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Every Kid’s Favorite Thing: Horseshoe Crabs

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Computers

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A Literal Train Wreck

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RRRRRRRRRRRRR

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One of My Favorite YouTube Videos

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The Best Typo (I Hope)

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The Best Movie Sequel Never Made

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And, Finally, Most Importantly, This Guy

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Yes. Yes. See you next year!

16 thoughts on “Yay! 4th of July Fireworks: 2014

  1. Maybe it’s just me, but I find it hilarious that all the ‘sexy packaging’ ones have the warning: “Shoots Flaming Balls”.

  2. I was going to point out the same thing as antonyjohnston–it’s definitely ARRRRRRR if you look closely at the first character. Which is one of the most awesomely named fireworks ever, in my opinion.

    Also, @David–I had to read it several times before the bouncy-house comment kicked in. They must have an inflated tiger slide and Winnie the Pooh out front for the tykes. It remains, however, a marvelously incoherent sign if you hadn’t just walked past those things. Perhaps the result of the proprietor ordering far too many unintelligibly named fireworks?

  3. NO GOOD FIREWORKS PAST THIS POINT!
    ALL FIREWORKS CUSTOMERS MUST TURN RIGHT HERE.

  4. This is almost unbelievable
    There appears to be one called Turtle Head and you don’t have it featured

    Incredible

  5. Best we saw this year: “Golden Showers”. Best stand back before it goes off…

  6. Wow, I obviously haven’t bought fireworks in decades as I had no idea they looked as cool as these. I think I’d buy half of them :)

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